Can I protect myself from the FBI?
Chrissy freaks out. Another client struggles to balance old friendships with new priorities.
Q: Because of my previous involvement in a leftist organizing group, the FBI has been reaching out to me asking me questions that seem intended to both scare/intimidate me and also to gain trust (in a fake nice kind of way), like they want me to be their rat. While I’ve been firm in telling them that I’m not open to answering their questions, I also find myself people-pleasing. My texts to them are like trying to let a tinder date down gently so they don’t become violent. This situation is complicated by the fact that I have a lot of resentment and distrust toward the group that I used to be a part of. I’ve rebuilt my life since leaving the group and was finally feeling some healthy distance, but with the feds literally at my door, big old feelings are coming back and questions about the feds (“What do they want, and do I have to give it to them?” and, “Am I in danger?”) are racking my brain incessantly. Any advice about what to do?
A: WHAT? HIRE AN ATTORNEY! YOU HAVE TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY!
I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY. I DO NOT PRETEND TO BE, AND I CANNOT AND DO NOT GIVE LEGAL ADVICE. THE ONLY LEGAL ADVICE I TEND TO “GIVE” IS INFORMING PEOPLE WHEN THEY NEED TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY. AND HONEY? HONEY. YOU NEED TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY. ATTORNEYS EXIST FOR THIS EXACT MOMENT. YOU ARE NOT IN PHYSICAL DANGER AT THIS TIME (I can assess that and feel confident in my assessment), BUT THAT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER, REALLY? BECAUSE IT DOESN’T CHANGE MY ANSWER. STOP TALKING TO THEM, HIRE AN ATTORNEY AND DIRECT THEM TO YOUR ATTORNEY.
They’re using your distrust of the system against you. They understand that you don’t know your rights and won’t hire an attorney because you either don’t want to spend the money or you’re in denial about what’s going on. If you need to get into debt or borrow money from someone to hire an attorney, that’s what you’ll be doing. Period. It may end up costing you less than you think, because they may back off the second they realize you’ve figured out how to protect yourself. They may also be pushing on you before showing up at your house with a warrant or choosing to press charges. The second options feel less likely to me, but any attorney will tell you that those second options aren’t out of the realm of possibility. It would be an ill-advised and stupid choice to not hire an attorney at this point. Call my friend Tamara Mulembo, a local criminal defense attorney I really trust. If she can’t help you, she’ll direct you to someone who can. Contact Tamara’s office right now.
Q: Hi, Chrissy. Over the last year I have lost some friends because I am really struggling with keeping plans or I am so busy I cannot prioritize those friendships. My energy shifts quickly and I am very busy, so I have to prioritize what needs my attention most. Unfortunately that also means no tending to some friendships as I used to. I recognize they pulled back because of me and my inability to show up. To be fully honest, I don’t even know if some of those friendships were friendships that were sustainable for me because of all the heaviness and negativity that often came with them. I enjoyed certain aspects of them but, I am also at a point in my life where I don’t show up the same way I used to in any of my relationships and what I need a friendship is not the same as it used to be. Who I am is shifting and it requires a lot of energy from me and I just don’t have much left to give in friendships, especially ones that aren’t my nearests and dearests. I value my friendships but I also value my energy. My fear is that I will continue to lose friendships because of my lack of energy. What advice does Spirit have for me in regards to friendships? Thanks!
A: You’re not including some key pieces of information about the past year. Readers, in the past year this person started grad school to become a social worker, got hired at their internship, moved twice, changed their relationship with their family dramatically, stepped into their spiritual journey in earnest AND began a new romantic relationship–while maintaining a few close friendships, I might add. It hasn’t been a chill year!
I know the idea of “vibrating higher” and thereby moving out of alignment with old friends is an increasingly popular explanation for relational change. I feel like that’s all spiritual people on the internet ever talk about. In reality, I think that take is too broad to be truly useful. “High and low vibrations,” while energetically accurate, aren’t nuanced enough to describe how complicated each human connection is. There are so many elements at play: soul contracts, free will, childhood experiences, expectations, timelines. Sometimes two people no longer connect because one of them has healed so much more than the other, yes. But sometimes people no longer connect because they have different values now, or someone moved away, or one of them had a baby. Sometimes they get in a giant fight and don’t talk for two years and then apologize via letter and become friends again (Been there! Twice!). I just don’t think assigning sweeping and unnecessary spiritual hierarchy to people’s “vibration” gives credit to the dozens of variables present in each relationship. So while it does sound as if you might be healing away from these old friends–and I do want to address that–all that really matters is that you can’t keep connecting the way you used to. You don’t want to, you can’t, or both. It’s uncomfortable, for sure. But it doesn’t mean anyone did anything wrong.
Like you, traumatized people have gravitated toward me my entire life. Because like attracts like, I guess, and because I’m really good at helping people feel seen and safe. Over the years, it’s been genuinely hard for me to differentiate when I want to spend time with someone consistently versus when I’m just supposed to help them heal. Both are often true. What gets really hard is when I want to spend time with someone consistently and help them heal, time passes, and then I realize that I no longer want to do one or both of those things. Starting my job made that easier in some ways (because people can just get in line) and harder in others. “Who’s a friend and who’s a client?” has been one of the most challenging questions of my adult life. I’ve ruined multiple friendships and client relationships because of how much I can struggle to answer it. Sometimes I just don’t know how to say, “I don’t have time to nurture this friendship like I want to.” Sometimes I’m just being avoidant because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Other times are a little harder, and sound similar to yours. I need to tell a couple of people from my past a kinder version of, “Sometimes you just offload all of your pain on me. I’m honestly not convinced you even know who I am anymore, because we don’t have anything in common at this point. I’m also terrified that you do know who I am and that’s why you treat me like an energetic trash receptacle–because on some level, you perceive me as someone who doesn’t actually matter.” These are hard things to say to people you care about, especially when you’re not convinced you want to continue the friendship.
From what I’ve seen, your life has improved dramatically in the past year. I don’t think you’re going to lose more friends or never be able to nurture friendships again. I think grad school is hard and navigating the start of a helping profession is always hell. I think you’re anticipating “being punished” by losing more people because you’re prioritizing your own needs for the first time, and you’re waiting to see if the Universe wants to hurt you for doing so the same way the Catholic Church would. Clearly, I also think you’re discovering that some of your friends may have transitioned into clients at some point. I wonder what it would feel like to give yourself the space to not do anything about it right now. It sounds like things are shifting naturally, and you have some grief around that transition. Some of these friendships likely warrant more of a conversation, and may be worth salvaging and tending to in the future when you have greater capacity. But some of them may fade away and not need to be addressed further. The panic about them backing away from you, especially when you admit you might not actually enjoy these connections much anymore, is pretty par for the codependency course. I’m also a person who feels abandoned when people stop using me in the specific ways I feel safe being used.
Good thing we both turned it into a job.
Paid subscribers, here’s the link to the Google form where you can submit questions. I’d love to hear from you!
Yours,
Chrissy